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  • Jim Gaffigan 08:58 PM September 13, 2010
    Why do they call it a 'Happy Meal' when it turns children into monsters? "Can we go to McDonalds? Can we? Well, after that can we?"
  • Jim Gaffigan 08:17 PM September 13, 2010
    "It's alright! It's ok! There's something to live for! Jesus told me so!" Name the movie.
  • Jim Gaffigan 11:40 AM August 30, 2010
    Upcoming shows Wendover(NV), Vegas, Seattle, Boston, Phoenix, NYC, Milwuakee. See dates here http://tinyurl.com/6lnykv
  • Jim Gaffigan 02:24 PM August 29, 2010
    THANKS! RT @twtceleb Amazon MP3 Downloads #1: Jim Gaffigan: Jim Gaffigan 1,041% Sales Rank in: 24 (was 274 yesterday) http://amzn.to/aE8KMY
  • Jim Gaffigan 09:29 AM August 29, 2010
    Jet skis are fun but you always look like someone who doesn’t have enough friends to fill a boat.
  • Jim Gaffigan 08:38 AM August 29, 2010
    "Doing My Time", my first Comedy Central album is only $5 on Amazon for a short time http://tinyurl.com/2uw4crb
  • Jim Gaffigan 10:27 AM August 28, 2010
    You know what I think is awkward? The spelling of awkward.
  • Jim Gaffigan 08:49 PM August 27, 2010
    Lou Gehrig didn’t have Lou Gehrig’s disease. What’s next? We find out Hugh Downs doesn’t have Down’s syndrome?
  • Jim Gaffigan 10:57 AM August 25, 2010
    "Intern" is a fancy word for “if you have rich parents, you can work here for free.”
  • Jim Gaffigan 10:49 AM August 25, 2010
    I’d do more morning radio if they had it in the afternoon.
  • Jim Gaffigan 08:02 PM August 24, 2010
    Would you answer a yes or no question that was posed just to prompt you to respond on Twitter?
  • Jim Gaffigan 12:06 PM August 24, 2010
    I’ve been informed I’m not IN Cape Cod, I’m ON Cape Cod. How about this: I’m IN a house ON Cape Cod freezing my ass OFF. #oncapecold
  • Jim Gaffigan 06:38 AM August 24, 2010
    I'm in Cape Cod but it feels more like I'm in November.
  • Jim Gaffigan 07:41 PM August 23, 2010
    Shows this week Cohasset/MA, Hyannis/MA and Hampton Beach/NH (Sold Out). http://tinyurl.com/6lnykv . Pl RT in New England
  • Jim Gaffigan 06:21 PM August 23, 2010
    http://tweetphoto.com/40995544 I was gonna get the Kool-Aid flavored, but I'm an adult.
  • Jim Gaffigan 06:56 AM August 23, 2010
    Do you think Darth Vader wore black because it made him look thinner?
  • Jim Gaffigan 05:08 PM August 21, 2010
    Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"
  • Jim Gaffigan 03:57 PM August 21, 2010
    Hey TSA employees, just a reminder you are supposed to stop terrorism, not all air travel.
  • Jim Gaffigan 11:25 PM August 20, 2010
    In five years I’ll probably be thinking, “I can’t believe five years ago I cared what I’d be thinking in five years”.
  • Jim Gaffigan 12:13 PM April 23, 2010
    This is what Greg Kinnear did to me! http://yfrog.com/3wivbwj
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